If I fix it, it will be OK
At times we can spend years, if not decades, trying to fix an issue which in truth exists within a behaviour or personality trait. Even though much of the evidence seems to suggest all of the fixing does not work we can find ourselves saying ‘Maybe this time’ or ‘Perhaps if I take this approach’, ‘Maybe the next session or workshop’, the list, the strategies, the waiting and the frustration can go on and on.
Personal transformation can be broken down into three stages or separate but linked areas: Pre-Egoic, Egoic and Trans-Egoic.
Pre-Egoic: Conception to roughly seven to ten years old
Egoic: Puberty and Adulthood
Trans-Egoic: That which is eternal, beyond the personality, the silence, spiritual practice, meditation, chanting.
Very often we can spend years trying to fix aspects of our personality, polishing and refining it and whilst there is nothing inherently wrong with that, for much of that work can be very beneficial, it does not reach the foundations upon which we have built many of the distortions we perceive. Who we are as an individual with an ego, a developed personality, loves to use the mind. The mind very often believes ‘if only I can “get” it’ then I shall be free. The truth is, much of our wounding, our sense of loss, our fear, terror and feelings of either belonging or not belonging stem from a place that existed before we constructed clear memories – very early childhood.
Part of our fear around venturing into pre-egoic wounding is that more often than not, we simply have a feeling. There are no memories to cling to and no stories to tell that may either soothe or entangle us even more deeply, we simply have feelings, and these feelings can be intense. Our mind instantly wants to explain a feeling – it latches on and tells a story – ‘I feel this because….’. The reality is that invariably this simply isn’t true or at best it is simply a partial truth.
As pre-egoic feelings can be very intense, many of us are very tempted to then launch ourselves into trans-egoic work and to use it as a replacement for healing and therapy work. If we can sit in the bliss of our upper chakras, then we never have to face what can feel like utter terror in our lower chakras. The most unfortunate aspect of avoiding pre-egoic work by clutching onto trans-egoic work is that we end up not getting what we’re looking for – which is love.
The chakra system is like an office block, one floor or level builds on the other, the lower floors providing the support and foundation for the upper floors. Many of us know this already in theory. However, in very simple terms, the first and second chakras support the heart. When our lower chakras are closed owing to unresolved pre-egoic wounding, then the heart has difficulty in opening up like the beautiful flower it is designed to be. When we launch into trans-egoic work as a replacement for deep healing, we can often fall into the trap of projecting into the world an idealised version of what love is end up navigating our world with a significant love mask that leaves our relationships wafer thin as there is little authenticity to back it up.
Family Constellation work is a wonderful and powerful introduction to unravelling the wounded and entangled pre-egoic world we landed in. Personal process work will take us deeper. Surrender is the key. No planning, no fixing, no strategising, no figuring it out, no ‘next time’, simply breathing into what is present.